Sunday, 21 September 2008

Nine types of heavy wankers

Ok, first to warn you, this has got very little to do with our motorcycletrip. Also, there is a chance some might be offended by this post, however that will probably be because they recognize themself in what's written.

Despite this, I find this story so interesting that as a responsible person I feel I have to share this with as may as possible. Perhaps it can help a lot people struggling with these problems that the survey brought up. The story is picked up from a major UK'ish newspaper, and just slightly modified to suit the readers of this blog. Read the story and don't be embarrased to admit you have a problem, you are not alone.



London: The United Kingdom Department of Health has identified the nine personality types of heavy wankers at risk of liver damages and other boner-related illnesses. Its researchers investigated the social and psychological characteristics of problem wankers in an attempt to devise more effective public health campaigns to encourage safer use of boners.

They found that people who regularly wank at least twice the daily guidelines of 20 times per week ranged from depressive wanking at home alone over extended periods to macho exhibitionists who spends the evenings wanking in the pub.

The department said it was using social marketing techniques to tailor its propaganda to suit all the target personalities.

A spokesman said “This will be a tough one to crack. Research found many positive associations with wanking among the general public –even more so among those wanking at higher-risk levels.

For these people wanking is embedded in their lifestyle: so much so that challenging this behaviour results in high levels of defensiveness, rejection or even outright denial.

The nine boner-fuelled personality types are:

  • “De-stress wankers” use wanking to regain control of life and calm down, they include middle-class men.
  • “Conformist wankers” are driven by the need to belong and seek structure to their lives. They are typically men aged 45 to 59 in clerical or manual jobs.
  • “Boredom wankers” wanks to pass time, seeking stimulation to relieve the monotony of life. Wanking helps them to feel comforted and secure.
  • “Depressed wankers” may be of any age or socioeconomic group. They crave comfort, safety and security.
  • “Re-bonding wankers” are driven by a need to keep in touch with people who are close to them.
  • “Community wankers” are motivated by the need to belong. They are usually lower middle-class men who wank in large friendship groups
  • “Hedonistic wankers” crave stimulation and want to abandon control. They are often divorced men with grown-up children, who want to stand out from the crowd.
  • “Macho wankers” spend most of their spare time in pubs. They are usually men of all ages who want to stand out from the crowd.
  • “Border dependents” regard the pub as a home for wanking. They visit it during the day and the evening, on the weekdays and the weekends, wanking fast and often.

The department is planning a campaign to persuade problem wankers to cut down. It will include self-help packs, available online and in printed form, telling wankers how to calculate the medical risks associated with different levels of wanking.

Monday, 15 September 2008

Half of the remaining KCCD crew has become castaway in an Indian jungle, eating Malarone in a small malaria-infested village called Kakinada. In Kakinada it’s mainly kuk&nada as we’d say in Norwegian.

I’m here for work, and mainly it’s just work and sleep. The trip preparations are suffering quite a bit, but Klaus is doing his homework and Søren is working on the website while I’m away so we manage anyway.

India is interesting as always. Cows hanging around in the streets and sleeping in the roundabouts. Pigs trotter around downtown. Indians doing their best to get re-incarnated in the traffic.

These days the big hit is to celebrate Ganesh, the elephant dude. This appears to be an Indian festival, but what most people don’t know is that it’s the republican side in CIA that is the driver behind the entire thing, as a secret part of the election campaign.

I drove motorcycle in the darkness last week. It was a good feeling to drive here again and feel comfortable with the traffic as soon as I sat on the bike. I got confirmed that I haven’t become an old wimp yet.

I’ll be back in Norway in a weeks time, then it’s just to finish up the bikes and get 4000km on each, before the snow covers the motherland like a strangulating blanket. In only six months time we fuck off from bills and burdens, to again taste the flies and dust between our teeth.

In this booth they offer STD's

Ganesh, the most popular god in India.

In India the road is equally shared between kids, goats, cows, pigs, trucks, cars, bikes, buffaloes and everything else that is able to get out in the road.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Stopped by the Stork

Then it’s finally official, the Polar Bear is out of this great, idiotic world trip on pre-war motorcycles. It was not his health that stopped it, nor was it his guts, and it was definitely not his wits. It was the damn Stork. The stork and the PB’s sense of responsibility has betrayed him badly, with the result that his chances to get robbed, killed in traffic accidents and kidnapped by the FARC guerrilla has dramatically decreased. God see mercy in his soul.

A while ago he was not able to get on the phone. After five days we succeeded on getting in touch with him and asked why he did not pick up the phone for so long time. “Been busy” he said. “How come?” we asked. “Lot of things to do” “How come?” we asked again. “I became a father before this weekend”. We were stunned and could not believe it, we had heard nothing.

The next question was of course who was the lucky mother, as we had not heard about it. It turned out to be Ane, his girlfriend which he’d been living together with for the last year. “When did you get to know it then?” We were curious and shocked as we asked. “The same day as it happened”.

We congratulate the Polar Bear (PB) with his Polar Cub named Oliver(PC), and wish good luck, though we are insulted for not naming him “Knut Tormod”, as well as the fact that we’ve lost a highly appreciated team member.