Nine types of heavy wankers
Despite this, I find this story so interesting that as a responsible person I feel I have to share this with as may as possible. Perhaps it can help a lot people struggling with these problems that the survey brought up. The story is picked up from a major UK'ish newspaper, and just slightly modified to suit the readers of this blog. Read the story and don't be embarrased to admit you have a problem, you are not alone.
London: The United Kingdom Department of Health has identified the nine personality types of heavy wankers at risk of liver damages and other boner-related illnesses. Its researchers investigated the social and psychological characteristics of problem wankers in an attempt to devise more effective public health campaigns to encourage safer use of boners.
They found that people who regularly wank at least twice the daily guidelines of 20 times per week ranged from depressive wanking at home alone over extended periods to macho exhibitionists who spends the evenings wanking in the pub.
The department said it was using social marketing techniques to tailor its propaganda to suit all the target personalities.
A spokesman said “This will be a tough one to crack. Research found many positive associations with wanking among the general public –even more so among those wanking at higher-risk levels.
For these people wanking is embedded in their lifestyle: so much so that challenging this behaviour results in high levels of defensiveness, rejection or even outright denial.
The nine boner-fuelled personality types are:
- “De-stress wankers” use wanking to regain control of life and calm down, they include middle-class men.
- “Conformist wankers” are driven by the need to belong and seek structure to their lives. They are typically men aged 45 to 59 in clerical or manual jobs.
- “Boredom wankers” wanks to pass time, seeking stimulation to relieve the monotony of life. Wanking helps them to feel comforted and secure.
- “Depressed wankers” may be of any age or socioeconomic group. They crave comfort, safety and security.
- “Re-bonding wankers” are driven by a need to keep in touch with people who are close to them.
- “Community wankers” are motivated by the need to belong. They are usually lower middle-class men who wank in large friendship groups
- “Hedonistic wankers” crave stimulation and want to abandon control. They are often divorced men with grown-up children, who want to stand out from the crowd.
- “Macho wankers” spend most of their spare time in pubs. They are usually men of all ages who want to stand out from the crowd.
- “Border dependents” regard the pub as a home for wanking. They visit it during the day and the evening, on the weekdays and the weekends, wanking fast and often.
The department is planning a campaign to persuade problem wankers to cut down. It will include self-help packs, available online and in printed form, telling wankers how to calculate the medical risks associated with different levels of wanking.